FREE COMEDY SONGS
by Canadian Studmuffin
(right click to save to your computer)
some lyrics posted below...
videos for most of these songs are here
click HERE to download "Bloody Beaver Blues"
from the cd "Redneck Canadian" available here and on Itunes
click HERE to download "Addicted To Food"
click HERE to download "Shitload Of Romance" (music by TDBRown/vocals and lyrics by Larry Graves)
click HERE to download "PHIL MCCRACKEN RAP" (lyrics below)
click HERE to download "I AM STUDMUFFIN (performed by OldPunksFromHell"
click HERE to download "PAUL TELNER BIRTHDAY SONG"
click HERE to download "ULTIMATE DRUG" performed by Ross Brodie
click HERE to download "CANADIAN STUDMUFFIN" performed by Ross Brodie
click HERE to download "HOTTER THAN A HOUSE ON FIRE by Canada's best rap group Kastoutz
click HERE to download "Caught With My Pants Down Again"
click HERE to download "Foot Fetish Song"
click HERE to download "I Fell Off My Bike Today (music by Johnn Harbringer/vocals by Gus)"
click HERE to download "Midget Pornography"
(music by Steev)
click HERE to download "Second Rate Comedy Songs"
(performed by Russ Krauch)
click HERE to download "I Wish I Could Sing Good"
click HERE to download "The Sock Song"
click HERE to download "Who's The Funniest Of Them All?"
click HERE to download "My Shortest Song"
click HERE to download "The Most Boring Song In The World"
click HERE to download " The Marijuana Song"
click HERE to download "Insane Asylum"
click HERE to download "My Next Song"
click HERE to download "The Drinking Song"
music by Russ Krauch vocals/lyrics by Larry Graves
PHIL MCCRACKEN RAP
THERE IS THE LAW OF DISTRACTION
IT GIVES ME MY SATISFACTION
WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH
THAT'S WHEN I GET TOUGH
AND GIVE YOU A GOOD TONGUE LASHING
YOU'LL BE RUNNIN' FOR COVER
YELLIN' FOR YOUR SISTER OR BROTHER
BUT THE US ARMY COULD NOT HANDLE ME
WHEN I GET ANGRY
WATCH EVERYONE AS THEY FLEE
DON'T CORNER ME IN A FIGHT
OR YOU'LL GET A FRIGGIN' GOOD WACKIN'
DON'T MESS AROUND WITH
THE ONE AND ONLY PHIL MCCRACKEN
I MIGHT LOOK TOO NICE TO HURT YOU
BUT I LIFT WEIGHTS EVERY DAY
IF YOU SAW ME IN MY MUSCLE SHIRT
YOU WOULD NOT SAY THAT I'M GAY
AND IT IS OK
TO POINT AND LAUGH AT ME
THE THINGS YOU SAY I MIGHT EVEN AGREE
BUT I KNOW YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS OF MY SKILLS
I'VE BEEN TOLD MY GUITAR SOLOS GIVE PEOPLE CHILLS
AS DO MY GOOD LOOKS, AS YOU CAN SEE
DON'T CORNER ME IN A FIGHT
OR YOU'LL GET A FRIGGIN' GOOD WACKIN'
DON'T MESS AROUND WITH
THE ONE AND ONLY PHIL MCCRACKEN
I CAN GET GIRLS WITH EASE
I KNOW HOW TO TEASE AND PLEASE
ROMANCE FOR ME IT IS A BREEZE
I'M SO BUSY DON'T HAVE TIME TO SNEEZE
I TAKE ALL THE HONEY FROM THE BEES
I'LL SLUG YOU IN THE MOUTH AND KICK YOU IN THE KNEES
RYTHMIN' WORDS IS A BREEZE
IT'S JUST LIKE A FUN DISEASE
I SEE THINGS NO ONE ELSE SEES
IF YOU'VE GOT THE LOCKS, I'VE GOT THE KEYS
I'M SO HOT I'M ABOUT TO FREEZE
I COULD GO ON AND ON BUT YOU'D HAVE TO PAY ME TO DO THAT
BEING THE BEST GUITAR TEACHER ON YOUTUBE IS WHERE IT'S AT
DON'T CORNER ME IN A FIGHT
OR YOU'LL GET A FRIGGIN' GOOD WACKIN'
DON'T MESS AROUND WITH
THE ONE AND ONLY PHIL MCCRACKEN
LAST THING THAT I'LL SAY TO YOU
IN THIS RAPPIN' SONG
IS TO HAVE A GOOD DAY AND REMEMBER TO ROCK ON
THE ULTIMATE DRUG
SHE WAS UGLY, OH SO UGLY
BUT I WAS UNDER HER SPELL
AND I HAVE TO CONFESS
I FOUND HER SEXY AS HELL
SHE ONLY HAD THREE TEETH
AND ONE WAS FALLING OUT
BUT I FELL INSTANTLY IN LOVE
WITH HER CHARMING POUT
SHE IS PRETTY
OH SO PRETTY GROSS
SHE IS THE ULTIMATE DRUG
AND I'M GOING TO OVERDOSE
SHE LOOKED OVER AT ME
AND I GAVE HER A WINK
I WAS SO ENCHANTED
MY BRAIN IT COULD NOT THINK
SHE WHISPERED INTO MY EAR
AND DROOLED DOWN MY NECK A BIT
THEN WE KISSED PASSIONATELY
EXCHANGING OUR SPIT
SHE IS PRETTY
OH SO PRETTY GROSS
SHE IS THE ULTIMATE DRUG
AND I'M GOING TO OVERDOSE
SHE DRIVES ME SO CRAZY
WHEN SHE WEARS THAT PINK THONG
ALTHOUGH HER HAIRY LEGS
ARE ABOUT THREE INCHES TOO LONG
SHE IS MY SUNSHINE GIRL
EVEN ON THE CLOUDEST DAY
SHE WILL BE MINE FOREVER
NO ONE WOULD WANT HER ANYWAY
SHE IS PRETTY
OH SO PRETTY GROSS
SHE IS THE ULTIMATE DRUG
AND I'M GOING TO OVERDOSE
HOTTER THAN A HOUSE ON FIRE!
yo- yo yo
YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG
BUT I GOT ANOTHER RAP IN THE BAG
I'M GONNA LET IT OUT
I HEAR YOU SCREAM N SHOUT
KASTOUTZ ARE BACK
THERE IS NO DOUBT
LIKE US OR NOT
WE ARE HOT
LIKE US OR NOT
WE ARE HOT
HOTTER THAN A HOUSE ON FIRE!!!
LAME ASS RAPPERS STAY OUTTA THE WAY
CAUSE WE'RE MOTORING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF WE GOT A FLAT TIRE
WE'LL STILL WIN THE RACE
BECAUSE WE'RE HOTTER THAN A HOUSE ON FIRE
BECAUSE WE'RE HOTTER THAN A HOUSE ON FIRE
BECAUSE WE'RE HOTTER THAN A HOUSE ON FIRE
FIGHT THROUGH THE FLAMES
AND ALL THE SMOKE
MR. INDESCRUCTIBLE
I WON'T CHOKE
THINK THIS IS
SOME KINDA JOKE?
ALL I CAN SAY IS
NOPE YOU DOPE
YOU ARE SO TOUGH
WITH YOUR EVIL STARE
BUT MY GRANDMOTHER CAN KICK YOUR ASS
FROM HER WHEELCHAIR
NOW IT'S TIME TO GO
JUST ONE MORE "YO"
YOU'RE CATCHING ON, SON
BUT YOU'RE AWFULLY SLOW...
CAUGHT WITH MY PANTS DOWN AGAIN
MAN, I ALMOST HAD A HEART ATTACK
WHEN YOU WALKED INTO OUR BEDROOM
I THOUGHT YOU WERE STILL IN REHAB
AND WOULDN'T BE HOME SO SOON
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE DRINK OF LIQUOR
OR POP A FEW PILLS MAYBE?
GET WASTED, AND FORGET WHAT HAPPENED
I FEEL LIKE SUCH A DORK, BABY
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SHE'S JUST A REALLY GOOD FRIEND
I'M SORRY TO YOU HAD TO SEE ME CAUGHT WITH MY PANTS DOWN AGAIN
I FEEL SO DAMN ASHAMED, I CAN'T STAND IT
THE MEMORIES WILL SOMEDAY FADE
I'M SO SORRY I BROKE YOUR FRAGILE HEART
I'M EVEN SORRIER YOU CAUGHT ME GETTING LAID
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT YOUR BAD HABITS
AND I CERTAINLY HAVE A VICE OR TWO
YOU LIKE TO DRINK, SNORT AND SHOOT UP
AND I JUST LIKE TO SCREW
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SHE'S JUST A REALLY GOOD FRIEND
I'M SORRY TO YOU HAD TO SEE ME CAUGHT WITH MY PANTS DOWN AGAIN
I CAN SEE THE HURT ETCHED ON YOUR FACE
BUT CAN YOU SEE THE FEAR IN MY EYES?
I KNOW SEEING ME NAKED WITH YOUR MOTHER
MUST HAVE BEEN A BIG SURPRISE
I JUST HAVE TO SAY ONE THING
YOUR MOM IS ONE HELL OF A KISSER
PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY
BUT I'M OFF TO VISIT YOUR SISTER
I KNOW IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE BUT SHE'S JUST A REALLY GOOD FRIEND
I'M SORRY TO YOU HAD TO SEE ME CAUGHT WITH MY PANTS DOWN AGAIN...
THE
SOCK SONG
I'm
taking my socks off
just for you
I know there is nothing sexier
that I could do
I
could buy you flowers
but some day they would die
I could say that I love you
yet I don't want to see you cry
So
I'm taking off my socks
one by one
not pulling the wool over your eyes
I know we're going to have some fun
Just sit there and enjoy the show
If you're feeling kind of kinky
maybe later you can tickle my toe
"I FELL OFF MY BIKE TODAY"
I FELL OFF MY BIKE TODAY
MY HEAD HURTS, I'M OKAY
ACCIDENT WAS A FLUKE
I'M FEELING SICK, THINK I'M GONNA PUKE
I FELL OFF MY BIKE TODAY
JUST LIKE EVERY DAY
I GOT BRUISED A BIT
MY BIKE CAN HURT ME EVEN WHEN I'M NOT RIDING IT
MY HEAD HURTS LIKE HELL
BUT IT ONLY SWELLED A BIT
DOCTOR SAID "NO BRAIN DAMAGE, GUS"
BUT HE WON'T GUARANTEE IT
I FELL OFF MY BIKE TODAY
TODAY I BIKED OFF MY FELL
OFF MY FELL I TODAY...BIKED
SPOKEN WORD:
FALLING OFF MY BIKE IN MY DRIVEWAY WAS SCARY
ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT
AND WHEN I HIT THE CEMENT IT GOT ALL BLACK
AND I HEARD VOICES BUT I THINK IT WAS JUST ME MOANING
AT FIRST I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD
CAUSE I SAW A LIGHT FAR OFF IN THE DARK
BUT IT WAS ONLY MY UNCLE WHO USED TO BE MY AUNT
USING HIS FLASHLIGHT TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY
"I NEED MORE FANS"
WHO'S THE FUNNIEST OF THEM ALL
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S ME
BUT CHECK OUT MY VIDEOS,
YOU MIGHT JUST SAY
THAT CANADIAN STUDMUFFIN
HE'S OKAY
NOT WHINING FOR SUBSCRIBERS
BUT I'D SURE LOVE MORE
IF YOU GOT FRIENDS AND FAMILY
HAVE THEM SUBSCRIBE FOR SURE
MAKE THIS CHANNEL A HIT AND I WON'T WHINE
OKAY, JUST A BIT
OH I NEED MORE FANS
JUST ONE OR TWO WILL DO
WILL YOU BE A STUDMUFFIN FAN
YEAH STUPID, I MEAN YOU
YOU'LL GET FUNNY CRAP LIKE THIS SONG
AND A GUITAR SOLO TOO
I WANT TO BE WORLD FAMOUS
MAYBE EVEN RULE THE UNIVERSE
OR AT LEAST THE U.S.A.
IT CAN'T GET ANY WORSE
BUT I'M A PROUD CANADIAN
WELL, SORT OF...
OH I NEED MORE FANS
JUST ONE OR TWO OR TEN WILL DO
WILL YOU BE A STUDMUFFIN FAN
YEAH GRANDMA, I MEAN YOU
IF YOU SUBSCRIBE I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER
OR AT LEAST AN HOUR OR TWO
OH, I NEED MORE FANS
AS OPPOSED TO LESS
OH, I AM SO GREEDY
I DO CONFESS
JUST GET ME ONE MORE SUBSCRIBER
I'LL FINALLY BE A SUCCESS
"BLOODY BEAVER BLUES"
IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT
MY WIFE WAS ASLEEP
OUT OF MY BED
I DID SLOWLY CREEP
I MADE SURE I DIDN'T
MAKE ONE LITTLE PEEP
DANG THAT CREAKY FLOOR
THANK GOD SHE'S ASLEEP
(chorus)
NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUN
WHEN I GET BACK HOME
DEAR LORD I PRAY
SHE DON'T GOT MY GUN
I'M CANADIAN REDNECK FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES
OH MAN IVE GOT THEM BLOODY BEAVER BLUES
OUT TO TOWN I GO
IT'S PARTY TIME FOR ME
OUT WITH THE BOYS
DERIK AND HARRY
GONNA MAKE SOME NOISE
CHUG A LUG A FEW BEERS
WITH NO WIFE IN SIGHT
I GOT ME NO FEARS
NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUN
WHEN I GET BACK HOME
DEAR LORD I PRAY
SHE DON'T GOT MY GUN
I'M A CANADIAN REDNECK FROM MY TOUQUE DOWN TO MY SNOW SHOES
OH MAN IVE GOT THEM BLOODY BEAVER BLUES
NOW I'M DRUNKER THAN DRUNK
ABOUT TO FALL DOWN
SURE LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE
AND ACTING LIKE A CLOWN
BUT I BETTER CRAWL BACK
TO WHATS-HER-NAME
GO BACK TO THE HELLHOLE
FROM WHICH I CAME
chorus
NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE
JUST LOOKING FOR SOME FUN
WHEN I GET BACK HOME
DEAR LORD I PRAY
SHE DON'T GOT MY GUN
I'M A CANADIAN REDNECK FROM MY SLED TO MY BOOZE
OH LORD DANG THOSE BLOODY BEAVER BLUES
"THE DRINKING SONG"
DRINKING A LITTLE COKE AND A WHOLE LOTTA RUM
HAD SO MANY DRINKS, MUST LOOK LIKE A BUM
BEFORE THE MORNING MY WIFE WILL BE GONE
AND THIS IS WHY I'M SINGIN' THIS SONG
NO GOOD WITH WORDS, EVEN WHEN I'M SOBER
LAST TIME IT WAS WAY BACK IN OCTOBER
EVEN BACK THEN ONLY HAD A DRINK OR TWO
MAYBE FIVE OR SIX, IT WAS ONLY A FEW
THE DEVILS IN THE BOTTLE
CALLING OUT MY NAME
BETTER HAVE ANOTHER DRINK
BEFORE I GO INSANE
DEVILS IN THE BOTTLE
AND HE'S POINTING RIGHT AT ME
DEVILS LAUGHING IN THAT BOTTLE
I KNOW THAT I SHOULD FLEE
HE TELLS ME "JUST ONE MORE DRINK"
AND I'LL BE SET FREE
MA ALWAYS TOLD ME SOMEDAY I'LL WAKE UP DEAD
DEAL WITH MY PROBLEM, ALCOHOL IN MY HEAD
IT'S IN MY SYSTEM, GONNA HAVE A LOT OF FUN
WAKE UP TOMORROW, FORGET WHAT I HAVE DONE
SMASH THIS BOTTLE I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND
I'LL GET ALL CUT UP, SO I HOPE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
SURE IS HARD TO STOP, I KNOW THAT I SHOULD
ONE MORE BEFORE QUITTING, IT TASTES SO GOOD
THE DEVILS IN THE BOTTLE
AND HE'S NEVER COMING OUT
AND IF HE EVER DID
MAN, I'M GONNA POUT
SIGN MY GUESTBOOK
song samples here
all stories/music remain the property of Larry Graves
no part shall be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the author
all rights reserved